September 1, 2020

Epilepsy and Black Teens

My baby had a seizure today

My beloved daughter has been seizure free for over 6 years but today came without warning without an aura. I didn’t have a feeling that I use to get I was connected to her the way I once was. She was playing basketball and she was in her element and she sat down in the hot gym over 200 miles away from home. 

he seizure struck her out of nowhere causing her to fall outta her child hit her head and mouth chilling her prefect teeth and causing her blood to violently spill from her mouth. I went on autopilot. I heard her coach say Aye not my name not even a name. I jumped to my feet and I felt myself run like I heard a gunshot and I fell to her side and I was scared of what I saw. I couldn’t remember what I use to do when she had a seizure but I know now that I use to life her in my arm and hold her tightly until she came back to me. She has outgrown my lap and I am unable to lift her but I spoke to her and rubbed her face and I told her to come back to me. I begged her to come to me. I spoke her name as only I can. I demanded that she calm herself and come to me. It was so much blood more blood than I ever witnessed pour from a mouth I couldn’t cry. I wouldn’t cry. Kambriah it’s mommy. I’m here. Come back. The seizure only lasted about 6 minutes total but it felt like forever to a mother that was holding her breathing. I blame myself. It’s all my fault I got too comfortable. I relaxed my standards. I disappointed me and I let her down. I told her we’ve been here before. We gotta adjust. You see about 3 years ago I realized that previously I would’ve never thought she’d ever make it to a basketball court because she was so fragile and we were so overprotective. I made it my whole life to make sure my children were safe and healthy all three of them but especially Kam we all did. 

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She’s our baby we thought she would always be the baby until she claimed middle daughter position at age 7 but big sister to Lala and little sister to Kyah. I knew everything my kids felt. I’m an empath why didn’t I get a vibe or a feeling. I wasn’t prepared I knew this road. It was so much blood red blood I’m covered in my legs my hands her blood was on my hands it was punishment. I had taken so much for granted that I got too comfortable. 

She was ill and I was responsible I knew she was doing too much I knew she needed rest she was insistent on bettering herself and her skills. But I’m the mom I shouldn’t put my foot down. Her blood was on my hands 

She laid on the basketball court floor barely clingy to consciousness and I couldn’t breathe I couldn’t get calm. The other moms knew I was going to hyperventilate they pulled me away and helped me as they tended to my baby. I thought I was but I couldn’t say it. She’s my other half. I think I died a little bit. She finally stopped shaking and her eyes were wondering around she was confused but she heard me I assured her I was there. I told the moms I got to touch her she has to feel me. A nurse not that it ever would matter to me was white but she didn’t see color she saw a child hurting and her instincts was to help and she did. She was right next to us. She found a pulse when I couldn’t. She told me to stay calm so I wouldn’t pass out. I couldn’t pass out. Her dad next her holding her hand. My heart laying on the floor. I am grateful for God spearing y baby’s life it could’ve been worse than it was but to me I feel like my world has been flipped upside down. She had no idea what even happened until she heard me on the phone saying she had a seizure she looked at me when widen eyes and asked “I had a seizure?” I said “yes baby but you’re okay now” she was upset and I told her to calm down and rest. She had to stay calm. Sitting here in the hospital I want to wake up I want this to be a nightmare. I keep trying to see when my nightmare would end. I need to wake up. How could I imagine this? Why would I get this nightmare? I couldn’t erase the visions always the visions. God gave her back and I will make sure its for good.

God Bless.

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